What's with all the political hot air about broadband service in Iowa?
Even before President Obama visited Cedar Falls to talk about lack of competition among providers of broadband service, Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad and state legislators were pointing to expanding broadband to rural areas as an important issue to tackle in this year's legislative session.
Never mind that no one agrees on what "broadband" means.
So in the interest of educating voters above age 25, here is today's "broadband" quiz:
1) What is "broadband?
a. A large rubber band of various colors worn on your wrist to show support for social justice.
b. A group of musicians who play a broad variety of songs from classical to hip hop.
c. Dial-up service, but without the "kkkkkkkkkkkkshhhhhhh" sound and that fun "You've got mail!
d. A political term used by non-technical people who don't really understand what they're talking about.
2) How fast is fast when talking about "broadband" speeds?
a. A gazigbit.
b. Usually a megabit, but sometimes slower and sometimes faster.
c. A gigabit.
d. 100 miles an hour or faster.
3) Where do you get "broadband" service?
a. From companies "in the cloud.
b. From some small municipal utility companies.
c. From the few telephone companies that still have actual landlines.
d. From cable companies now controlled by just a handful of firms.
e. All of the above.
4) How many people already have "broadband" service?
a. Almost everyone, except those whose heads start to ache when the word is mentioned.
b. Everyone except the hardworking farmers in Iowa.
c. It is a government secret.
d. Only rich people.
5) For what do people mostly use "broadband"?
a. Watch movies.
b. Search the Internet for information on movie stars.
c. Post stupid dog trick videos on their Facebook page.
d. Watch stupid dog trick videos on YouTube.
e. All of the above.
6) Why is it so important that everyone have "broadband" service?
a. Because broadcast television is a wasteland of reruns and stupid "reality" shows.
b. Because. Now go online and do something.
c. So everyone can stay home and create thousands of new jobs in India.
d. Motherhood, education and public works projects have become too controversial for politicians.
7) When will we know the "broadband" war is won?
a. The Internet tubes will no longer be full.
b. The Nigerian embassy will no longer send emails requesting help to move millions of dollars overseas.
c. Google will tell us.
d. When broadband consultants tell us they don't need any more money.
ANSWERS: 1d, 2b, 3e, 4a, 5e, 6d, 7d
So let's all get busy in Iowa to "connect every acre" as our governor exhorts us on. Shovels at the ready.
My head is starting to ache.
